{"id":293,"date":"2015-10-07T19:22:37","date_gmt":"2015-10-07T19:22:37","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.decarl.com\/?p=293"},"modified":"2016-01-25T22:21:06","modified_gmt":"2016-01-25T22:21:06","slug":"runaway-thoughts","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.decarl.com\/?p=293","title":{"rendered":"Runaway Thoughts"},"content":{"rendered":"
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  1. Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!<\/li>\n
  2. Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. But we haven’t met yet!<\/li>\n
  3. I don’t trip over things, I do random gravity checks!<\/li>\n
  4. I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!<\/li>\n
  5. Old age is coming at a really bad time!<\/li>\n
  6. When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment … now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!<\/li>\n
  7. The biggest lie I tell myself is … “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”<\/li>\n
  8. Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!<\/li>\n
  9. I don’t have gray hair. I have “wisdom highlights”. I’m just very wise.<\/li>\n
  10. My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance to idiots that needs work.<\/li>\n
  11. Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.<\/li>\n
  12. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.<\/li>\n
  13. The kids text me “plz” which is shorter than please. I text back “no” which is shorter than “yes”.<\/li>\n
  14. I’m going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I’ll do that second week.<\/li>\n
  15. When did it change from “We the people” to “screw the people”?<\/li>\n
  16. I’ve lost my mind and I’m pretty sure my wife took it!<\/li>\n
  17. Even duct tape can’t fix stupid … but it can muffle the sound!<\/li>\n
  18. Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just gonna transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?<\/li>\n
  19. Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice, and I find I have a smarter audience when I do that.<\/li>\n
  20. Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?<\/li>\n
  21. At my age “Getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.<\/li>\n
  22. Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree … that makes it a plant which means… chocolate is salad!<\/li>\n
  23. I hear just fine…in fact, I hear a 100% of everything I want to hear.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller! Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. But we haven’t met yet! I don’t trip over … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[7],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-293","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-jokes"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.decarl.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/293","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.decarl.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.decarl.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.decarl.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.decarl.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=293"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.decarl.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/293\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":294,"href":"https:\/\/www.decarl.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/293\/revisions\/294"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.decarl.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=293"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.decarl.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=293"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.decarl.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=293"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}